Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Take the Olive Garden and the points

Spam of the day: OLIVE GARDEN VS. RED LOBSTER ...

I’ve got the Garden and the points. I mean, we’re talking incidence of botulism and food poisoning, right?

I made my choice after using the Waffle House Theorem (named for the junk food chain with the highest incidence of what the Department of Health calls "critical violations*")

Junk food restaurant + lobsters = botulism

Then there's Chili's corollary:

Junk food restaurant + employees who don't wash their hands after they shit + lobsters = salmonella/coli poisoning plus some rare neurological diseases.

Olive Garden serves fewer shellfish, so the diseases it induces in its patrons presumably are limited to those caused by run-of-the-mill harmful bacteria.

Here is the Gang of 60's latest Fast Food Illness Fantasy League Hit List:

1. Waffle House -- "Bless me, Father..."
2. IHOP -- "Nerve damage never tasted this good."
3. Outback -- "The dingo ate my lower intestine."
4. Ruby Tuesday -- "Sounds like a dyke bar. Tastes like a cheeseburger-flavored douche."
5. Appleby's -- "Home of the next pandemic flu virus." (Bonus irony points for their ad in which two soi-disant Madison Avenue hipsters sing "Mack the Knife," substituting lyrics describing Appleby's nauseating menu for Brecht's savage anti-capitalist allegory.)
6. TGIF -- "One hundred thousand Turkish prisoners can't be wrong."
7. Chili's -- "Montezuma's Revenge is a dish best served with our burrito grande."
8. Red Lobster -- "Why dumpster dive when you can eat at Red Lobster?"
9. Bob Evans -- "Enjoy our signature sausage, made from genetically modified pigs. May include some human."
10. Denny's -- "Try our new Ultimate Bowl breakfast: Scrambled eggs and buttermilk pancakes piled high with ham, sausage, and bacon in a creamy cheese sauce topped with cheddar cheese and Lipitor."

*such things as letting food sit out too long, employees not washing their hands after going to the bathroom and then serving food, rats and roaches in the kitchen.

1 comment:

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