Saturday, August 19, 2006

The latest terror plot

Two men were arrested last night and charged with releasing snakes on a United 747 London-New York flight, said officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

The suspects wore long hair, white turbans, earrings and necklaces made of shells and beads, and were said to be carrying Indian passports.

According to administration officials, the suspects smuggled the snakes aboard the airliner in pots hanging from a bamboo pole they slung over their shoulders. Not long before its planned landing at Kennedy Airport, one of the terrorists removed a flute-like instrument and started playing a strange, Middle Eastern-sounding tune. Homeland Security officials said that this was a cue to the snakes to slither out of the pots and attack the passengers and crew.

The snakes bit the screaming, hysterical passengers, leaving no anatomical part untouched, including boobs and cocks, said a Homeland Security official.

Air marshals were alerted about the snake attacks by two preteens, Kevin and Katelyn Nessinger, who were traveling alone for the first time and happened to notice one of the snakes swallowing a nasty Brit who was overheard earlier telling the woman sitting next to him how much he hated snakes.

Upon touchdown at Kennedy, FBI agents boarded the plane, subdued the Indians and brought the snakes in for questioning. Homeland Security officials issued a ban on reptile passengers for all trans-Atlantic flights. "Mammals are next," said an administration official.

President Bush responded to reports of the incident by saying that, "Our enemies will use any means necessary to destroy our freedoms. This includes snakes on a plane, guys with chainsaws, witches in the woods, that Freddie Krueger fella, and don't forget Jason."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Terror in the skies, or: Moon over Washington

Well, it is getting close to election time and you know what that means: Fake terror alerts!

Here’s a story in the Wednesday New York Times, headlined:

Faces, Too, Are Searched at U.S. Airports

It seems the government is ratcheting up the political charade known as the war on terror.

From now on, they're going to be stationing hall monitors (excuse me, Transportation Security Agency officials) at some of the nation's leading airports, such as Dulles International in D.C. These Costco storm troopers known as “behavior detection officers” (I kid you not) are going to be scanning our faces and scrutinizing our behavior to ferret out people with evil intent.

How will they know when you’re evil? Well, the list of suspicious terrorist activities includes smoking a cigarette, picking up and putting down a backpack, touching his fingers to his chin, and rubbing an object repeatedly.

So listen up, all you nail-biters: Homeland Security is onto you.

After they spot somebody acting suspiciously, the behavior detection officers give them a behavioral score. Like the Olympics judges. I wouldn't be surprised if they flashed cards. If your score is high enough they pull you aside for a casual conversation involving questions like WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN WASHINGTON? Followed perhaps by YOU'VE BEEN SIGHTSEEING. WHAT DID YOU LIKE BEST IN OUR FAIR CITY? And if you don’t give the right answer or, if you appear nervous because the reason you were in Washington was to see your mistress, then they’ll search you, starting with your face and moving south.

By the way, the name of the program is Screening Passengers by Observation Technique, or SPOT.

See SPOT spot. See Dick and Jane being strip-searched. Bad Dick. Bad Jane.

In nine months the SPOT program has been in existence, a period in which about seven million people have flown out of Dulles, several hundred people have been referred for intense screening, and about 50 have been turned over to the police for follow-up questioning.

Of those, half a dozen have faced charges or other law enforcement follow-up, because of immigration matters, outstanding warrants or forged documents.

Nine months, multimillions of our tax dollars. And the net result is a half dozen illegal immigrants. So the next time you’re at the airport, and you see a couple of government goofuses trying to read lips and looking for people who have OCD, do me a favor. Pull them aside and ask them jauntily, So what did you see in D.C.?

Dispatch number two: An incident on a London to Washington flight last night. A middle-aged woman complains of claustrophobia. (That couldn’t possibly be, on an American airliner, in coach, right?) She starts wandering the aisles, and when the flight attendant tells her to sit down, the woman pulls down her pants. A telltale sign of terrorist activity. I mean, that's what Al-Qaeda operatives do when they're cornered and they want to evade capture. Drop their drawers.

The reaction to this woman’s panic attack? A full-scale emergency response. First, two an air marshal and a correction officer in passenger drag run up the aisle and tackle the woman, slamming her into the bathroom door, throwing her to the ground and putting her in handcuffs.
(It takes two of these macho studs to subdue an old lady.)

It gets much better: Fighter jets are then scrambled from Otis Air National Guard Base on Cape Cod to escort the diverted United Flight 923 into Boston. Yes, the flight had to be diverted because a passenger was mooning a flight attendant.

Remember September 11? When four planes were being hijacked and rammed into buildings and all that? Not one jet was scrambled. Just to give some perspective on the government’s priorities.

Anyway, this batty woman is now taken into custody and grilled by the FBI! All the passengers’ baggage is searched, for reasons that are, well, a little fuzzy to me. Guilt by association?

Oh, the one detail I forgot – the woman was babbling incoherently … but I guess the behavior detection officers must’ve missed that one.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Clowns Respond

Yesterday's post concerned Clowns Without Borders, an organization dedicated to bringing baggy-pants hijinx to disaster scenes and war-wracked Third World nations.

I did not approve.

For this I received a lot of negative feedback from the clowning community. One clown casually mentioned that he would love to make a balloon animal out of my head. And a second, sitting menacingly atop his unicycle, hissed that I should make sure to look both ways when I crossed the street.

So today I am turning over the blog for a rebuttal from Mr. Jellybean, acting president of the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Clown People).

Thank you, Mr. Gerard. For too long, my people have been second-class citizens in this country. The country we helped build. America would not have won its independence from Britain if Tater the Clown hadn't distracted General Burgoyne with his silly magic at the Battle of Saratoga. Who did Lincoln turn to in his darkest hour, when the Union looked all but lost? Floppo, the Abolitionist Clown. When the pioneers forged the West and the Freedom Riders stood up for civil rights, who were right beside them, spraying seltzer down the pants of evildoers?

Many heroic clowns have died forgotten. Like Happy the Clown, who lost his life trying to give Hitler a hotfoot. And Vincent van Goof, the face-painting genius from whom Picasso and Braque stole Cubism.

And yet, all this time, while women, African-Americans, comedy magicians and other minorities have been granted their rights, clowns have been and continue to be maligned. Prized for our mirth, and scorned because of who we are, our lifestyle, and the fact that we wear a "fright wig." Fact: Did you know that the original draft of Franklin D. Roosevelt's First Inaugural Address included the line, "We have nothing to fear, except fear itself...and clowns"?

America, for two hundred years you have used us for your idle amusement, then cruelly dismissed us. We are unable to organize, form political parties and climb the corporate ladder, except on stilts. We are routinely rejected for senior executive positions just because we have size 48 feet.

But that's over. No more "back of the clown bus." No more Uncle Tom-ming. Off with the fright wig, the red nose, and the suspenders! From now on, we will perform on our terms. If we feel like using garden implements or reading from the works of Jacques Lacan, so be it!

I am here to announce that we are organizing a Million Clown March on Washington, which will happen as soon as we can find a clown car large enough. For our dreams.

In conclusion, I'd like to say while you may consider us aliens, remember that every one of you has an inner Clown that yearns to break free. That you all have at least one clown in your family tree. And we look forward to the day when each and every American can stand up and proudly proclaim: "Ich bin ein clown." Your HTML cannot be accepted: Closing tag has no matching opening tag:

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Technorati Profile

Kofi Annan, Don't Send in the Clowns

Dear Kofi Annan:

Look, I know you're under a lot of pressure to solve this Middle East morass. And you may get desperate to find an innovative solution. But whatever you do, don't send in the clowns.

You may have gotten this idea from reading the Sunday New York Times, specifically, a story picked up from the AP, datelined Copenhagen and buried in the back of the front news section. The headline:

Clowns Escalate the Battle for Laughs

The story is about the just-completed 10-day International Clown Festival, and quotes one of the participants:

“Being a clown is my way of giving a present to the world,” said Marta Sanchez Sevilla, 40, of Spain. She has traveled the world with the comic relief group Clowns Without Borders, including going to Sri Lanka after the December 2004 tsunami.

This is just what those Sri Lankans need. They're fleeing the tsunami in utter terror, 90-foot waves are flattening their homes and mowing down their families -- and here comes Klutzy the Klown schpritzing seltzer down their pants. THEY'RE NOT WET ENOUGH?

Actually, Clowns Without Borders could unintentionally create peace in the world -- I mean, what better way to bring nations together then to unite them against the clowns?

No, I was kidding there. We can't really trust the clowns. Remember "A Clockwork Orange"? The Joker from "Batman"? That claw-fingered guy from Stephen King's "It"? And that Bozo at your kid's third birthday party who you later discovered had swiped your supply of Vicodin?

Besides the fact that they're not funny. They try way too hard. They're the party guy with the lampshade on his head...only they expect to get paid for it. You feel like saying to them, "Relax. You don't have to always be on. Just be yourself, Floppy Feet."

Back to the international stage. I say Clowns Without Borders is a bad idea. They're just the type of people who need borders. Otherwise, they'd wreak havoc everywhere, scaring small children, pulling quarters out of our ears and pulling that passive-aggressive "sad clown" schtik. Of course you're sad. You're a clown. Don't make me feel guilty. Did I make you go to clown college?

The real downside of clown activism is the possibility that their technology could fall into the wrong hands.


"This is Geraldo Rivera. I'm here at the scene of the latest terror incident. We don't know what happened. U.N. forces were patrolling this peaceful area when suddenly a six-foot toy car drove up ... the doors flung open ... and out came 50,000 guerrillas!"

And you know the inevitable escalation will lead to...

...the mimes.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Jesus Saves ... Offer not available in California

My soul must clearly be in need of saving, for in today's Inbox I found an e-mail message stating:

You have been awarded the entire King James Version of the Bible for free* but as of now this gift remains unclaimed! This edition includes a helpful year-long Bible reading plan and page explaining the plan of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. This 5 3/16" x 8", 512-page edition is reserved for you only for the next 48 hours. We hope to give you adequate time to claim this gift.

I find it odd that some fundamentalist Christian group would send me a book that's 512 pages long and requires a year-long Bible reading plan, but include with it only a one-page user's manual. It's like the "plan for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ" -- which, I presume is the reason for reading the Bible in the first place -- is an afterthought, like the one-page blueprint in Chinese that comes with any new appliance and is so crudely drawn, it makes your new DVD player look like a UFO.

Still, I was sure that the anonymous solicitor acted out of a sense of Christian charity for all God's creatures ... until I read the small print:

*This offer is not available for residents of California.

Well, it wouldn't be, would it? Those decadent heathens are beyond salvation. Still, I still cherished the illusion that my benefactor was a Christian church or an individual(s) affiliated with one, doing missionary work. Like the Gideons.

But no, it was the "Free-Gift Club," which

reserves the right to cancel this offer any time once quantities run out. A handling charge will be applied to each item. All merchandise and offers are based on first come first serve. This is an independent offer from Free-Gift-Club. The third parties appearing above are not co-sponsors of this offer and are not affiliated with Free-Gift-Club. Free-Gift-Club is solely responsible for all gift fulfillment.

Jesus had nothing to do with it. It's called plausible deniability. He isn't called "Lord" for nothing.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mel Gibson, L.A. Sheriff

Staring out from the cover of today's New York Post is a beer-eyed Mel Gibson. The headline "Boozer Loser" fronted the news that the actor had entered a rehab clinic, a week after "spewing anti-Semitic comments and cursing a cop when he was arrested for drunken driving."

The photo was one of several originally taken last week by a rival tabloid, and captured Gibson just hours before his arrest, spotted at a Malibu "celeb-studded restaurant with a babe on each arm and a beer bottle in his right hand."

Poor Mel's tribulations only increased when he launched an obscenity-laden tirade -- kind of a soliloquy, you might say -- against Jews, which included the observation that they "are responsible for all the wars in the world." He then asked the arresting officer, "Are you a Jew?"

Turns out he was. It just wasn't Mel's night.

I can only imagine Gibson's reaction: "No fair -- playing against type. You're supposed to be money lenders and studio heads. What's the matter -- aren't there any Irish left in Malibu?"

And then, I'll bet he addressed a higher power. "Lord, they're persecuting me just like they did You. This is my Golgotha, only instead of a cross and a crown of thorns, I've got a case of Foster's and a couple of underage blonde bimbos."

Then there were the stories about how the incident has damaged his career. The New York Times reported yesterday that a spokeswoman for Disney’s ABC television network said the company was canning a Holocaust-themed miniseries it had planned with Gibson. "Given that the script Mr. Gibson handed in depicted the Jews as the bad guys, we have decided to no longer pursue this project."

Of course, Gibson could've avoided the whole brouhaha if he'd only taken the advice of the nightclub's employees. They offered to call him a cab, but he insisted, "I want a chariot!"

One detail in the Post story stood out:

Gibson once filmed a public service announcement for the L.A. Sheriff's Department, dressed in a sheriff's uniform.

After much undercover work, Gangof60 has acquired the transcript of the P.S.A., which we offer for your edification:

The Jew Menace

Hi, I'm Mel Gibson -- the new sheriff in town. I'm speaking to you tonight to warn you against a hidden menace. An enemy whose greed and cunning is subtly eroding our society. That's right: the Jews. You may think that Jews are solid citizens and make great contributions to our financial system, the arts, and culture. You may even know some Jews yourself. But here are some other things I'll bet you didn't know about Jews:

*The Jews are responsible for all the wars that have ever happened, including the Civil War and that war among the ancient Mayans that I have depicted in my new, all-ancient Mayan dialect film, Apocalypto.

*The Jews are responsible for all economic depressions. Plus, they have gamed Mega Millions.

*The Jews are responsible for Ren and Stimpy.

*The Jews are responsible for all broken marriages, including my own.

*The Jews are responsible for my drinking problem.

*The f---g Jews are f---g responsible for everything bad about America.

If you want to know how the Jews are responsible for your broken marriage, your lack of a job and/or your drinking/drug/sex addiction, please call 1-800-SCAPGOAT.

Thank you.