Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Earth vs. the Alien Paparazzi

Strangest headline of the day comes from the Smoking Gun website:

Perez Hilton In Alien Paparazzi Suit

From what I can gather, this gossip columnist who changed his name to mimic that of a celebrity birdbrain because it would fraudulently steer Web traffic from the millions of boobs who can't spell "Paris" when typing it into a search engine, claims that he is being harassed by Martian photographers competing for a scoop they can deliver to their readers back on Mars, where Perez is presumably a celebrity.

Friday, June 22, 2007

General, the enemy has launched its super whoopee cushion!

From a story today on headlined, "Fringe Science Yields 'Gay Bombs' and Psychic Teleportation" about how the Pentagon is spending $78 billion a year on whacked-out weapons and space research:

Scientists are exploring beamed speaker systems that only one person can hear and foam that makes the enemy slip and fall.

Other top-secret projects on which they're working include a giant squirting flower, an enormous dribble glass and the world's biggest banana peel...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Moses parts the FDR Drive or: The Ten Commandments for motorists

Earlier this week, according to a wire story, the Vatican issued a "Ten Commandments" for motorists to keep them on the road to salvation, warning drivers against the sins of road rage, abuse of alcohol or even simple rudeness.

While the directive didn't come straight from the Pope, but instead a mid-level functionary known even to Vatican honchos as a bit of a loose cannon, it did arouse my curiosity about the commandments. (They were not enumerated in the story, which only alluded to road rage, DUI and other mobile "occasions for sin" such as illegal passing.)

Then I took a cab uptown and suddenly had a vision of the motor vehicle Ten Commandments:

I. Thou shalt sport a “WWJD” bumper sticker.
II. Thou shalt not stop for hitchhikers unless they’re holding a sign that reads, "Vatican City or Bust.”
III. Thou shalt install special holy water cup holders.
IV. Thou shalt not remove thy hands from the wheel and “let Jesus take over.”
V. If thou gets pulled over and thou wishes to avoid a ticket, thou shalt offer the highway patrolman an autographed photo of Pope Benedict XVI.
VI. Thou shalt not commit road rage – except against heathens.
VII. Thou shalt not make any carved images, except for plastic dashboard Jesus. Also, thou shalt not allow the Styrofoam dice hanging from thou rear-view mirror to touch plastic dashboard Jesus.
VIII. Thou shalt not use a CB radio to speak in tongues.
IX. Thou shalt not park in a “handicapped” parking space, unless one is “blind, halt, lame, or a leper.”
X. Thou shalt not use thine cell phone while driving – unless thou is dialing the 1-900-CONFESS line.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Aryan Nations personals

Wotan seeks Brunhilde. Single, proud Viking needs mate for enjoy grail-seeking, dwarves and other Teutonic fun times. Don’t let my love become a funeral pyre.

Aryan accountant, 45, never married. Looking for racially aware woman, any age, into national socialism, Quickbooks. Must be white enough to please Aryan mom.

Idaho movement activist seeks partner to keep survivalist tent neat and clean.

Athletic Caucasian seeks fit woman for hunting, fishing, etc. (not golf, which is making our race weak)

To “evabraun69”: Please resend your last email. My server ate it, and I can’t retrieve it. I know it is the work of the liberal elite who betray our country to illegals and others who dilute our racial purity!

Skinhead starting neo-Nazi group in Upper West Side. So far not so good. Would love to meet a smart, young pale babe. No kids, pets, Zabar’s shoppers.

Cute, slim anti-Semite with two tickets for a concert by Adolf the Cable Guy. Any hunky Aryans want to join me?

I'm laying a ten-spot on R2D2

On the scientific front:

Robots from 33 Countries Clash at RoboCup 2007

Nearly 300 teams from 33 countries are gearing up to compete at RoboCup 2007 Atlanta, the world's most renowned competition for research robotics, at the Georgia Institute of Technology July 3-10.
--Georgia Institute of Technology

The Russian Federation robot team was disqualified when they were found to be taking performance-enhancing RAM.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Entertainment Tonight in the monkey cage

From a 2/19/07 story on

In "Fame Junkies" Halpern cites studies that suggest fame is a factor in other animal groups as well. In one study rhesus monkeys were willing to give up their food simply to stare at a dominant monkey.

"Everyone thinks that the dominant monkey has it made. I'm here to tell you that is so not true. Oh, sure; at first you get off on it. The chicks throwing themselves at you. The non-alpha males staring at you admiringly, wishing they could be you, presenting their rump (too much information!). Your own personal trainer. Everything catered -- all the bananas, pears, ice cream, grubs and termites you could ever want -- and available 24/7.

But they don't warn you of the downside: Your total lack of privacy. The pressure to always be "on," to have a "heavenly body." The nonstop harassment by the paparazzi from Animal Planet. The fact that some zookeeper named you Mr. Jiggs. (Hell-O! That's a chimp's name.) The overentitled brats who think they can ride you. (Just try it, punk!) The ever-present threats from other males, who feign submissiveness by picking nits off you, but who you catch out of the corner of your eye shooting you those "silent bared teeth" and who might even bitch-slap you out of the blue if they think your guard is down.

No wonder we dominants only maintain our rank for two years. It's not because some other dude is bigger, stronger and has more bad-assitude. No way. It's that the fast lane wears you down. Always checking your ranking in the pack and worrying that some young upstart will take you down and put the moves on your babe. While you end up hooked up to an IV in some lab at Pfizer.

That's it for now. I'm having grub withdrawal. The others keep pushing me to enter rehab, but it's just an excuse to get me out of the way so that KoKo or Ling-Ling or Curious George W can take my place. But I'll have the last laugh. You see, I'm going to dish all the dirt in my memoir, A Million Little Rhesus Pieces.

Check it out."

Monday, June 04, 2007

The surge: 7th Avenue and 14th Street

The other night around 11 p.m. I was walking home up Seventh Avenue. When I got to the intersection of 14th Street, I saw a young woman standing close to the middle of the street frantically trying to hail a cab while blabbing to a friend on her cell phone. As this woman -- who was wearing sunglasses -- became increasingly frustrated, she blurted into the phone -- loudly enough for me to hear above the street noise -- "I can't get a cab here. It's like Baghdad!"

And that, my friends, is exactly the reason why we are still in Iraq.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

This blog is so obscure...

...that some Russian hackers tried to break into it, but they couldn't find it and gave up.