Thursday, June 21, 2007

Moses parts the FDR Drive or: The Ten Commandments for motorists

Earlier this week, according to a wire story, the Vatican issued a "Ten Commandments" for motorists to keep them on the road to salvation, warning drivers against the sins of road rage, abuse of alcohol or even simple rudeness.

While the directive didn't come straight from the Pope, but instead a mid-level functionary known even to Vatican honchos as a bit of a loose cannon, it did arouse my curiosity about the commandments. (They were not enumerated in the story, which only alluded to road rage, DUI and other mobile "occasions for sin" such as illegal passing.)

Then I took a cab uptown and suddenly had a vision of the motor vehicle Ten Commandments:

I. Thou shalt sport a “WWJD” bumper sticker.
II. Thou shalt not stop for hitchhikers unless they’re holding a sign that reads, "Vatican City or Bust.”
III. Thou shalt install special holy water cup holders.
IV. Thou shalt not remove thy hands from the wheel and “let Jesus take over.”
V. If thou gets pulled over and thou wishes to avoid a ticket, thou shalt offer the highway patrolman an autographed photo of Pope Benedict XVI.
VI. Thou shalt not commit road rage – except against heathens.
VII. Thou shalt not make any carved images, except for plastic dashboard Jesus. Also, thou shalt not allow the Styrofoam dice hanging from thou rear-view mirror to touch plastic dashboard Jesus.
VIII. Thou shalt not use a CB radio to speak in tongues.
IX. Thou shalt not park in a “handicapped” parking space, unless one is “blind, halt, lame, or a leper.”
X. Thou shalt not use thine cell phone while driving – unless thou is dialing the 1-900-CONFESS line.

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