Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No cattle were harmed in the preparation of this hamburger

From today's Times:

Whole Foods Market is preparing to roll out a line of meat that will carry labels saying “animal compassionate."

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fair and Balanced

OPEN ON TV STUDIO – A panel of COMMENTATORS is in silhouette.

ANNOUNCER: It’s Salvo – the show that hits below the Beltway and tackles today’s most important issues.

LIGHTS UP and CLOSEUPS on each panel member as they’re introduced.

ANNOUNCER: Here’s our panel: On the right, Pat Buchanan! On the far right, Pat Robertson. Farther to the right, Heinrich Himmler!


ANNOUNCER: To the right of Himmler, Genghis Khan!

KHAN, in full body armor, holding spear, emits feral sounds.

ANNOUNCER: And on Khan’s right, Godzilla!

CLOSEUP of end of stage. A ferocious growl and roar is heard offstage.


BUCHANAN: Today's topic: The earth – flat or round? As you know, Congress is voting tomorrow on a bill that would declare the earth flat. President Bush and his religious right supporters back it all the way. Everybody’s in favor – except Michael Moore. That’s because he thinks the earth is as round as he is.

Guffaws from panel. Robertson high-fives with Himmler.

ROBERTSON: Of course the earth is flat. It says so in the Bible.

BUCHANAN: Heinrich?

HIMMLER: Javol! German engineers proved it – the Earth is flatter than Poland after the blitzkrieg!


KHAN: Earth flat. Me almost fall off near Manchuria.

He hisses and waves his spear menacingly.

BUCHANAN: Godzilla – your take on it?

SFX: Offstage enormous roar, sounds of crashing furniture, moans of STAGEHANDS presumably being eaten.

BUCHANAN: Now, the President and Congress have gotten some criticism over the Flat Earth Bill, which they say contradicts the basic laws of science. Panel?

KHAN: Lies of liberal media. They support America’s enemies. Right, Godzilla?

SFX: Roar. Sounds of Godzilla leveling the Upper West Side.

BUCHANAN: Some viewers have complained that we aren’t fair to liberals, that we never give them a chance to express their views. So we went out and found one, and we’re bringing him on. Welcome, Alan Colmes.

Enter COLMES, shaking, timid, in short pants and Poindexter tortoise-shell glasses.

COLMES: Th-th-th-th-thanks for ha-ha-ha-having me.

BUCHANAN: You’re against the Flat Earth Bill, right?

COLMES: Well, ya-ya-ya-yes and no.

ROBERTSON: It’s because you haven’t accepted Jesus in your heart, right?

COLMES: Well, I-I-I…

HIMMLER: You’re a girly man! Let’s feed him to Godzilla!

COLMES: W-W-Well, O.K. Giant mutant lizards have rights, too.

CUT TO CLOSEUP. Godzilla chewing on Colmes, whose puny body sticks out of Godzilla’s mouth.

BUCHANAN: That’s it for this week. Join us next week on “Salvo!” when we subject James Carville to electroshock torture.


The Prada bag and the stick

No, this isn't the title of Thomas Friedman's latest book of drivel. It's what I call the Bush Administration's strategy for punishing North Korea. In response to what might have been a nuclear weapon test, Bush and Rice got the U.N. Security Council to impose sanctions on "luxury goods."

Take that, Kim. No more Cristal. You know those Prada bags your henchmen have been smuggling back from the West? It's knockoff time.

What's next -- seating them at a table near the kitchen at Per Se?