Fair and Balanced

OPEN ON TV STUDIO – A panel of COMMENTATORS is in silhouette.

ANNOUNCER: It’s Salvo – the show that hits below the Beltway and tackles today’s most important issues.

LIGHTS UP and CLOSEUPS on each panel member as they’re introduced.

ANNOUNCER: Here’s our panel: On the right, Pat Buchanan! On the far right, Pat Robertson. Farther to the right, Heinrich Himmler!

HIMMLER: Javol!

ANNOUNCER: To the right of Himmler, Genghis Khan!

KHAN, in full body armor, holding spear, emits feral sounds.

ANNOUNCER: And on Khan’s right, Godzilla!

CLOSEUP of end of stage. A ferocious growl and roar is heard offstage.

CUT BACK TO BUCHANAN

BUCHANAN: Today's topic: The earth – flat or round? As you know, Congress is voting tomorrow on a bill that would declare the earth flat. President Bush and his religious right supporters back it all the way. Everybody’s in favor – except Michael Moore. That’s because he thinks the earth is as round as he is.

Guffaws from panel. Robertson high-fives with Himmler.

ROBERTSON: Of course the earth is flat. It says so in the Bible.

BUCHANAN: Heinrich?

HIMMLER: Javol! German engineers proved it – the Earth is flatter than Poland after the blitzkrieg!

BUCHANAN: Mr. Khan?

KHAN: Earth flat. Me almost fall off near Manchuria.

He hisses and waves his spear menacingly.

BUCHANAN: Godzilla – your take on it?

SFX: Offstage enormous roar, sounds of crashing furniture, moans of STAGEHANDS presumably being eaten.

BUCHANAN: Now, the President and Congress have gotten some criticism over the Flat Earth Bill, which they say contradicts the basic laws of science. Panel?

KHAN: Lies of liberal media. They support America’s enemies. Right, Godzilla?

SFX: Roar. Sounds of Godzilla leveling the Upper West Side.

BUCHANAN: Some viewers have complained that we aren’t fair to liberals, that we never give them a chance to express their views. So we went out and found one, and we’re bringing him on. Welcome, Alan Colmes.

Enter COLMES, shaking, timid, in short pants and Poindexter tortoise-shell glasses.

COLMES: Th-th-th-th-thanks for ha-ha-ha-having me.

BUCHANAN: You’re against the Flat Earth Bill, right?

COLMES: Well, ya-ya-ya-yes and no.

ROBERTSON: It’s because you haven’t accepted Jesus in your heart, right?

COLMES: Well, I-I-I…

HIMMLER: You’re a girly man! Let’s feed him to Godzilla!

COLMES: W-W-Well, O.K. Giant mutant lizards have rights, too.

CUT TO CLOSEUP. Godzilla chewing on Colmes, whose puny body sticks out of Godzilla’s mouth.

BUCHANAN: That’s it for this week. Join us next week on “Salvo!” when we subject James Carville to electroshock torture.

FADE TO BLACK