Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Entertainment Tonight in the monkey cage

From a 2/19/07 story on CNN.com:

In "Fame Junkies" Halpern cites studies that suggest fame is a factor in other animal groups as well. In one study rhesus monkeys were willing to give up their food simply to stare at a dominant monkey.

"Everyone thinks that the dominant monkey has it made. I'm here to tell you that is so not true. Oh, sure; at first you get off on it. The chicks throwing themselves at you. The non-alpha males staring at you admiringly, wishing they could be you, presenting their rump (too much information!). Your own personal trainer. Everything catered -- all the bananas, pears, ice cream, grubs and termites you could ever want -- and available 24/7.

But they don't warn you of the downside: Your total lack of privacy. The pressure to always be "on," to have a "heavenly body." The nonstop harassment by the paparazzi from Animal Planet. The fact that some zookeeper named you Mr. Jiggs. (Hell-O! That's a chimp's name.) The overentitled brats who think they can ride you. (Just try it, punk!) The ever-present threats from other males, who feign submissiveness by picking nits off you, but who you catch out of the corner of your eye shooting you those "silent bared teeth" and who might even bitch-slap you out of the blue if they think your guard is down.

No wonder we dominants only maintain our rank for two years. It's not because some other dude is bigger, stronger and has more bad-assitude. No way. It's that the fast lane wears you down. Always checking your ranking in the pack and worrying that some young upstart will take you down and put the moves on your babe. While you end up hooked up to an IV in some lab at Pfizer.

That's it for now. I'm having grub withdrawal. The others keep pushing me to enter rehab, but it's just an excuse to get me out of the way so that KoKo or Ling-Ling or Curious George W can take my place. But I'll have the last laugh. You see, I'm going to dish all the dirt in my memoir, A Million Little Rhesus Pieces.

Check it out."


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