Friday, August 04, 2006

Jesus Saves ... Offer not available in California

My soul must clearly be in need of saving, for in today's Inbox I found an e-mail message stating:

You have been awarded the entire King James Version of the Bible for free* but as of now this gift remains unclaimed! This edition includes a helpful year-long Bible reading plan and page explaining the plan of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. This 5 3/16" x 8", 512-page edition is reserved for you only for the next 48 hours. We hope to give you adequate time to claim this gift.

I find it odd that some fundamentalist Christian group would send me a book that's 512 pages long and requires a year-long Bible reading plan, but include with it only a one-page user's manual. It's like the "plan for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ" -- which, I presume is the reason for reading the Bible in the first place -- is an afterthought, like the one-page blueprint in Chinese that comes with any new appliance and is so crudely drawn, it makes your new DVD player look like a UFO.

Still, I was sure that the anonymous solicitor acted out of a sense of Christian charity for all God's creatures ... until I read the small print:

*This offer is not available for residents of California.

Well, it wouldn't be, would it? Those decadent heathens are beyond salvation. Still, I still cherished the illusion that my benefactor was a Christian church or an individual(s) affiliated with one, doing missionary work. Like the Gideons.

But no, it was the "Free-Gift Club," which

reserves the right to cancel this offer any time once quantities run out. A handling charge will be applied to each item. All merchandise and offers are based on first come first serve. This is an independent offer from Free-Gift-Club. The third parties appearing above are not co-sponsors of this offer and are not affiliated with Free-Gift-Club. Free-Gift-Club is solely responsible for all gift fulfillment.

Jesus had nothing to do with it. It's called plausible deniability. He isn't called "Lord" for nothing.

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