Saturday, August 19, 2006

The latest terror plot

Two men were arrested last night and charged with releasing snakes on a United 747 London-New York flight, said officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

The suspects wore long hair, white turbans, earrings and necklaces made of shells and beads, and were said to be carrying Indian passports.

According to administration officials, the suspects smuggled the snakes aboard the airliner in pots hanging from a bamboo pole they slung over their shoulders. Not long before its planned landing at Kennedy Airport, one of the terrorists removed a flute-like instrument and started playing a strange, Middle Eastern-sounding tune. Homeland Security officials said that this was a cue to the snakes to slither out of the pots and attack the passengers and crew.

The snakes bit the screaming, hysterical passengers, leaving no anatomical part untouched, including boobs and cocks, said a Homeland Security official.

Air marshals were alerted about the snake attacks by two preteens, Kevin and Katelyn Nessinger, who were traveling alone for the first time and happened to notice one of the snakes swallowing a nasty Brit who was overheard earlier telling the woman sitting next to him how much he hated snakes.

Upon touchdown at Kennedy, FBI agents boarded the plane, subdued the Indians and brought the snakes in for questioning. Homeland Security officials issued a ban on reptile passengers for all trans-Atlantic flights. "Mammals are next," said an administration official.

President Bush responded to reports of the incident by saying that, "Our enemies will use any means necessary to destroy our freedoms. This includes snakes on a plane, guys with chainsaws, witches in the woods, that Freddie Krueger fella, and don't forget Jason."

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