Be my friend

Would you like to be my friend? Don't worry. You don't have to share the same experiences, interests, and hobbies, or like the same books or rock bands as me. You don't have to dress like me or share my ideas about home decor, abortion rights, or American Idol. You don't have to take my panicky, middle-of-the-night phone calls, or give me advice on dating and careers. In fact, you don't even have to meet me, speak to me, or even send me an email message.

No, to become my friend, all you have to do is to go to my MySpace page and click the button that reads, "Jim's Friends." You don't have to leave a comment. In fact, I would prefer that you didn't. I don't have time to read messages from all my friends.

Now, I know what you're thinking: What's in it for me? I'll tell you. Being a FOJ (Friend of Jim) instantly bestows upon you the mantle of cool. You see, I am a really cool guy, so if you are my friend, you will be cool by association. (If you are already cool, you will become supercool.)

What makes me cool? Well, it's not because I'm rich or famous or hang out in cool clubs or wear cool clothes. (Every day I wear the same boot-cut jeans and a T-shirt from the Vermont Cheddar Cheese Museum.)

No, I'm cool because I have ten thousand friends like you, people who wouldn't be able to identify me if their lives depended on it, who went to my MySpace page and clicked on the "Jim's Friends" link.

I'm cool because I have convinced you that I am cool, and because of your cybernetic affirmation of my coolness.

Thanks for being my friend. Now get lost.