Sunday, July 30, 2006

The NSA Variety Hour

Spam of the day:

Hi, I am Lara, the customer care manager at I would like to personally welcome you to, where you are wanted!

My first, panicked thought was that I was wanted by the NSA. They've been recording my keystrokes and know that I visit all the progressive websites, write apoplectic, profanity-laced tirades against the war criminals in Washington and that I'm to the left of Trotsky. But then I wondered why "sex" was part of their URL? Is the National Security Agency running a phone sex operation? They're already listening in; now they can start heavy breathing.

In fact, the NSA should consider getting into the content-providing business. Music, news, sports and -- sure, why not? -- porn they could transmit instantly into the 300 million phones they're currently tapping.

Why should we, the American people, be the ones providing the entertainment when we're not even being paid. Why should a couple of perverse old spooks or socially maladroit geeks get to listen into my candid complaints about my career, the publishing business, my inability to get laid, Joe Torre's misguided dependence on bunting, my chronically stiff neck and various and sundry ancillary grievances, without ponying up a rich subscription fee?

In my next installment, I will conjecture about the agency's debut season -- "Must Listen Telephony."

You have joined one of the most select dating Clubs online. You are the 25,068th member to join this week, among 5,915,705th registered members.

Wow. How select -- it's just me and 6 million other elite individuals.

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