Monday, July 17, 2006

Twilight of the putzes

Remember the name: Aaron Schwarz.

Scratch that. Forget the name Aaron Schwarz.

From the tenth circle known as public relations comes a release about a self-made millionaire who is running an online contest to give himself a new name -- "not just any name; it must be something outrageous."

The millionaire, whose name is -- at least at press time -- Aaron Schwarz -- says he needs the new name to help him achieve his "ultimate goal: becoming an aloof, overweight, music mogul billionaire by the age of 40."

Yes, this is the state of the American Dream: to become a fat fuck. A flabresario. And after all, what self-respecting hip-hop producer could go by the name Aaron Schwarz? What kind of street cred could accrue to he who soundeth like the guy who takes your money at Kabbala Night at the Learning Annex? Of what gang could he possibly be a part -- the M.B.A.s?

The press release about Aaron Schwarz goes on:

Aaron has recently launched www.GiveMeAName.com, which empowers the general public to submit ideas for his new identity and the winning entry - chosen by a worldwide vote– will walk away with $25,000.

I love that trope -- "empowers." And the IRS "empowers" us to be taxpayers. And the dentist "empowers" us to have our wisdom teeth removed. PRtistry at its zenith: Frittering away precious time -- that you might otherwise use meeting your soulmate, enjoying a sunset, learning a new skill, or moving one iota closer to enlightenment -- indulging this dime-store megalomaniac in his hackneyed ambition to become a rock star. American Idle.

And the "worldwide vote"...as if the Iraqis are going to drop everything to support this bozo's publicity stunt. "Ahmad, can the suicide bomb. We must give a rich American a new name. And a Jew at that."

But nothing tops the quote from Aaron himself, in which he sounds like Kurt Vonnegut on speed:

"I was originally named Aaron to rhyme with my mother’s name Sharon and my last name is my mother’s previous husband’s last name, who is not my father,” says Aaron Landau Schwarz. “I enjoy using my money for personal fulfillment, and instead of building that exotic animal circus in my apartment that I had been planning, I've decided to give someone $25,000 for a new name. I figured, rather than researching mythological deities or wasting my precious time looking through books, I would get the entire population to do the job for me!

"Instead of building that exotic animal circus in my apartment..."

Yeah. That's part of all the new luxury co-ops. "Panoramic rooftop view. Jacuzzi. Chimpanzee act room."

"Rather than researching mythological deities..."

The FBAA (bozo formerly known as Aaron) fancies himself atop Valhalla.

I've got a new name for him: Wotan.

Wotan Schwarz.

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