Monday, July 10, 2006

The United States of Arrested Development

The observation of a new piece of Hollywood celluloid product, "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" prompted me to wonder yet again at the American obsession with superheroes. The enthusiasm is not exclusive to teens; purported grownups, such as film critics and academicians, lay waste to prime American timber and waste mega-fields of electrons expatiating on Spiderman.

This pathetic enthusiasm for comic book characters is just another manifestation of the cult of youth that prompts septuagenarians to don low-slung jeans and bare their midriffs. Recently I saw a woman who had to be in her 60s crowbarred into a tight blouse and camouflage pants. The only war she could possibly be fighting is against that arch-fiend Time, which was clearly guilty of war crimes.

The compulsion to conform is so strong that even homeless addicts feel it through their crack-haze. Tonight, on 42nd Street I saw a woman waiting for a bus with garbage bags full of her life, her face so heavily bedaubed and rouged, it seemed to have been vandalized by a gang of outlaw makeup artists. She was wearing shorts and a skimpy halter top.

Life in these United States of Arrested Development.

I have a challenge to all the alleged grownups who listen to punk music and avidly flock to comic-book movies: If you're really still teenagers at heart, why not act like it all the time? Tomorrow, I want you to do the following:

1) skateboard into the your boss's office
2) post embarrassing photos of him on your MySpace page
3) toss the company president a Frisbee and shout, "Mr. Faversham, dude -- catch!"
4) bring a keg to your next board meeting
5) in the company cafeteria, start fucking a cherry pie
6) shove your pink slip up your ass
7) grow up

Back to "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." You want to know what real super powers an ex-girlfriend has? She has the ability to fill the rest of your life with guilt and remorse. She has the power to forever ruin your sleep for obsessing about her. And she has the power to render you incapable of establishing a healthy relationship with another woman ...

... if indeed such a state exists.

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