Kim Busts Out

The end of Western civilization is at hand. Have you heard the shocking news -- Lil' Kim has acquired nuclear weapons.

At least, that's the conclusion my addled brain reached after receiving in quick succession these two bits of information:

1) that North Korean has tested six long-range missiles, all capable of carrying nuclear warheads and one an intercontinental missile able to reach our West Coast; and

2) spotting on the cover of today's New York Daily News headline:

Kim Busts Out!

Foolishly, I assumed that the Daily News head referred to the rogue nation run by a psychotic megalomaniac defying world opinion and recklessly launching missiles over Japan (though the intercontinental missile broke up and fell into the Sea of Japan 42 seconds after it was launched, leading one to suspect they purloined it from NASA).

But I forgot: This is the United States of Pornanity, a circus minimus of sub-vaudeville jackanapes, burnt-cork rapresarios, ululating androids, and air-rutting vulgarians.

So it turns out that the "Kim" who was busting out was Lil' Kim, whose release from celebrity prison bumped the news of a threat of nuclear attack from North Korea, led by that other Lil' Kim, Kim Jong Il. (I shall henceforth refer to him as Big Lil' Kim.)

Fans cheer as rapper quits jail in style -- and a Rolls Royce read the subhead. The story -- which in and of itself abounded with ironies that were compounded when juxtaposed with the North Korea news -- went on to say:

Dressed all in white in a low top and pants that looked painted on, the rapper got a royal reception when she returned home to her $2.3 million estate in tony Alpine, N.J., where she will be under house arrest for the next 30 days.

And then:

Independence Day arrived a day early for Kim

Yes, rap fans forever will associate July 4th not with the creation of America, the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers, or the flag, but the release from prison (for lying about her friend's participation in a shoot-out) of a self-styled slattern ...but then again, James Madison only wrote The Federalist Papers and not "Big Momma Thang."

One such aficionado was quoted by the News: "She's gonna come back to the game snappin','" said Jenna Johnson, 18, of Wilmington, Delaware.

Back in the day, prisoners were mortified to be seen approaching a penitentiary from either direction. Now the perp walk has become a catwalk.

Kim's crew of cameramen videotaped her release for her Black Entertainment Television reality show. It will be the follow-up to the first season of Kim TV, which was called "Countdown to Lockdown."

It gets weirder:

...Kim picked up a young man in the Rolls whom her publicist described as "a friend" before arriving home in the exclusive North Jersey town where the street signs have been removed to discourage intruders.

Removing all the street signs? Excuse me, but doesn't that sound like something the other Lil' Kim -- the crazy missile launching leader who runs his entire country as a giant prison -- would do?

And speaking of the other Lil' Kim, maybe the timing of his missile launching was his way of telling the paparazzi: "I'm the real Notorious K.I.M.! I mean, does she have a nuclear arsenal that can destroy Beverly Hills?"

Or maybe it was Kim's way of celebrating America's independence.

It would serve the Bush Administration well to consider the brazen launchings as just the shooting off of aerospace fireworks. Because for all its macho swagger, it knows right now that for a variety of reasons, it is powerless to lift a finger against North Korea.

Yeah, that Kim busted out, alright. He's come back to the game snappin'.

Break out the Cristal.