Saturday, May 19, 2007

Cyber-mating, part 4: Les hommes

If you are a man searching for l'amour via an Internet dating site, whatever you do, don't use a photo of yourself in a giant bunny suit (with the head off, of course), as one poor schlemiel did on a site that calls itself "the smart people's personals."

Here are some other examples of how men with presumably good intentions sabotage themselves by unconsciously revealing strange obsessions and off-putting personal neuroses.

Man #1:

i believe that one should believe that leprechans exist.
i believe when you are in ireland and come to a bridge you should get out and ask the leprechans for safety in your crossing, for fun.

This is one too many leprachaun references -- and besides, if you love 'em that much you should at least know how to spell their name.

i believe you when you whisper in my ear that you saw a mermaid

I would run screaming, but that’s just me.

i believe my friends keep me alive

They protect him from the leprachauns.

i believe what my friend told me about some mini guy who lives in the conch shell he brought back for me and spends his days lifting grains of sand from here to there building miniature igloos, fireplaces, snowmen, etc.

O.K., you’re clearly obsessed with small imaginary creatures, and need to seek professional help ... from a very teeny-tiny psychiatrist, who lives in a tree on East 11th Street.

Man #2:

If you're a widget maker, I'll try to pick up enough widget jargon so you can tell me about your day and I'll be able to keep up and ask the occasional intelligent question just so you'll know I AM listening (and to indulge my vagrant curiousity).

Translation: I’ll make a condescending, half-hearted attempt to learn how to feign an interest in your professional life.

Man #3

In my bedroom one will find...

A bed, Eames side tables, Voss water and a copy of American
Psycho ... I've been told that my apartment looks like Patrick Batemans.

Ladies: If you don’t hear the cries of “Danger! Danger!” ringing in your head, your weirdo detector needs a new battery. And just in case the foregoing isn’t enough warning, in the “What I’m Looking For” box, he writes...

And nobody crazy. I mean, crazy to the point of hiring a hitman to kill your ex (which actually happened to me once). So... if you ever tried to actually kill your ex boyfriend, I'm probably not interested in a relationship with you. Unless you're REALLY hot.

Man #4:

If you're a vegetarian, you'll get preferential treatment. If not, then at least be healthy in your food choices. Of course, everything in moderation, including moderation. Let's pig out on your favourite vice once in a while, and then back to the diet.

"Then, back to the diet”? Does this guy run a vegan cult?

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