The P.C. Marines

OPEN on generic war footage: Planes bombing, platoons attacking, gunners loading torpedoes, soldiers in trenches taking potshots at the enemy, bombs exploding, soldiers charging up a hill, other soldiers tending to the wounded, dragging the dead and wounded off on stretchers.

NARRATOR (v.o.)

It’s no secret that America is running out of soldiers. As they try to fight wars on several fronts simultaneously, they’ll be forced to find new recruits wherever they can find them …

CUT TO: EXT. – BATTLEFIELD – DAY

A SOLDIER dashes out of a clearing and into a Quonset hut, dodging bullets.

CUT TO: INT. – HUT – DAY

CLOSEUP of SOLDIER, SERGEANT BUTTHOLE

SOLDIER

Sergeant, I just got the order from General Peckerwood. Your platoon has to take
that hill!

SERGEANT
(turning to his platoon)

Alright, ladies, let’s go.

They are all in civilian attire; not one wears combat fatigues.

MILITANT LESBIAN FEMINIST

Hey, who you callin’ a lady? It’s “woman,” got it? You patriarchal creep!

DRAG QUEEN

Don’t pay any attention to Miss Thing, Sarge. Some of us love being called ladies.

SERGEANT
(to platoon)

You heard the order. We gotta take that hill. So drop your penises and grab your
socks. Let’s go! Hut, hut, hut!

RIDICULIS, A BLACK RAPPER
(wears a Phat Farm ensemble and a large medallion around his neck)

Yo, I ain’t got nothin’ ‘gainst those sand niggers. Me and them is brothers.
We both victims of the white man.

SERGEANT

Shut up, Ridiculis, before I victimize your brain.

RIDICULIS

Racial profiling! Hate crime! (removes cell phone, punches a button) Get me
Reverend Al!

Sergeant shoves a reluctant Ridiculis out of the Quonset hut.

SERGEANT
(to Sammy Lee, a Chinese-American)

Lee, what are our coordinates?

LEE

Oh, I get it. Just because I'm Asian, I'm supposed to be good at math!

SERGEANT

You're our navigator! Oh, forget it.

SENIOR CITIZEN
(groaning under the weight of his backpack, barely strong enough to hold his rifle)

Oy, my back!

SERGEANT

What’s wrong with you now, Mister Rosenberg?

SENIOR CITIZEN

You know what. Sciatica, arthritis.

SERGEANT

Christ, you’re always bitching and moaning. Get your sorry, 76-year-old ass in gear!

SENIOR CITIZEN

You can’t do this! I’m going to write a letter to the AARP!

SERGEANT

Get going!

Senior Citizen leaves the hut.

SERGEANT

C’mon, Gonzalez, no more siesta! You ain’t gang-banging in the barrio no more.

GONZALEZ

Hey, I am a proud Latino. Get that straight, or I will get an ACLU attorney down here before you can say “Taco Bell!”

SERGEANT

Get goin’!

CUT TO EXT. – HUT – DAY

Sergeant hands out ammo to each platoon member.

SERGEANT

Listen up. I piss napalm and shit grenades. I’ve downed more booze and banged more quiff than all you numnuts put together.

MILITANT LESBIAN FEMINIST

Sexist pig!

SERGEANT

SERGEANT
(handing out ammo to his hastily assembled platoon)

Listen up. I piss barbed wire and shit napalm. I’ve downed more booze and banged more quiff than all you numnuts put together.

MILITANT LESBIAN FEMINIST

Sexist pig!

SERGEANT

O.K. I’ve downed more booze and had more ... meaningful relationships with women than all of you put together. Without a doubt, you are the sorriest bunch of pathetic, spineless --

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON
(starts crying)

Please stop, Sarge! You’re always putting me down. I can’t take it!

RIDICULIS

White man done it again.

MILITANT LESBIAN FEMINIST
(to Sergeant)

You know he’s a highly sensitive person.

SERGEANT

Alright, I’ll skip the speech. The order is to take that hill from the enemy. Some of us may not come back --

RIDICULIS

It better not be me who don’t come back. ‘Cause if I don’t come back, the Congressional Black Caucus gonna be breathing down yo’ ass.

ENTIRE PLATOON

It had better not be me! Me, either!

SERGEANT

Alright. (sarcastically) We’re all coming back. But first, let’s take that ridge. Go!

The platoon sprints off, except for the Senior Citizen, who limps behind. Sounds of gunfire.

CUT TO: More generic battle scenes.

CUT TO: EXT. – BATTLEFIELD – NIGHT

The platoon is under heavy attack.

SERGEANT

They’re layin’ into us! Quick, into that foxhole!

The platoon starts to scramble toward the foxhole. A MAN WITH NO ARMS cries out.

MAN WITH NO ARMS

No way! That foxhole isn’t wheelchair-accessible!

SERGEANT

Who the fuck are you?

MAN WITH NO ARMS

We’re your reinforcements.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL a raggedy squadron of the disabled – people with no arms, no legs, the blind, the deaf; one soldier has no head, another is clearly schizophrenic and speaks in various strange voices.

DISSOLVE TO:

Same scene, after the battle. The entire platoon has been wiped out.

NARRATOR (v.o.)

The few, the strong, the touchy. Join the P.C. Marines.

FADE TO BLACK.