Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Hitler's MySpace Page

Bio: Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, after which he escaped to Brazil and resurfaced on Broadway, where he is currently starring in “The Producers.”

Name: Hitler

Gender: Male

Occupation: Fuhrer

Interested in Meeting People for: blind worship, invasion of Poland, Final Solution.

Music: Wagner, oom-pah bands.

Books I Wouldn’t Burn: Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Movies: Triumph of the Will, Olympiad.

TV: Vot’s dat?

Hobbies and interests: Restoring Fatherland, world conquest, Jew-hating.

Friends: Hess, Goebbels, Goering, the rest of the Nazi High Command. (See
Testimonials.) My ideal friend is someone who is cool, enjoys life and looks
good in a Prussian army helmet. And when I ask him how I am doing, tells
me we are winning the war and that the German people are totally behind
me.

Enemies: Jews, Bolsheviks...Did I say Jews?

Sympathizers: 20 million Germans and tons of other people around the
globe.

Turn-ons: Torch-lit mass rallies, blitzkriegs, SS, animals.

Turn-offs: Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, Catholics, blacks, and all other
miscelaneous people who aren’t Aryans.

About Me: My name is Adolf. I’m impulsiv but I have a long term plan. I love Germany but I’m not in love with it. I’m an Aries. I’m pasionate about what I love and what I hate. Most people think Im prety intenz but my favorite thing to do is chill and hang out wit my homies. At least that’s what I tole neville chamberlain. lol! im just lookin out for number 1. U will call me ur leader.

Who I’d Like to Meet: Mel Gibson, Judith Regan (hey, maybe she could get me a book deal: The Holocaust – If I Did It.)

Who I’m Looking For: Jew-hating vegan.

Hitler’s Details

Status: Single

Here for: Keeping Tabs, Spreading Propaganda, Meeting Valkyries.

Orientation: Aryan.

Hometown: Vienna.

Body type: Sausage.

Ethnicity: German. Wot? Why, to even ask such a question – Have this MySpace dummkumpf taken away!

Zodiac Sign: Aries

Smoke/Drink: Nein.

Children: All the German people are my children…except for the Jews.

Hitler’s Schools:

Vienna Institute of Art
Vienna, Austria
Graduated: N/A
Student status: 4F
Degree: Honorary
Major: Finger-painting

Otto von Bismarck Pre-School
Vienna, Austria
Graduated: N/A
Student status: Left back; did not play well with others. In fact, put others
into “concentration tree house”

Hitler’s Companies

National Socialist Party 1924-1945
Income: None of your bizness.*

Adolf’s comments: I just want to give a shout-out to MySpace. It has kept
me in touch with a lot people who I used to know but whom I had to have
assassinated or put away as political prisoners.

Favorite inspirational quote: What luck for rulers that men do not think.

Testimonials:

Eva –Adolf is duh man. He’s n awesome, sexy dude ‘n the
world’s numero uno dictator. Hi, hi, heil Hitler!


Joseph G. –I have non my peeps Adolf for long time and this bro can realy bring it. I saw him at the Nuremberg stadium and he, like, had the crowd, like, dey went like dey was lookin’ at a god. U no wat I mean?

Rudolf—ur probly the biggest Party person I know who is alive.


Herman--What can I say about one and only Fuhrer I know in my entire lifetime? He is an awesome guy, always laughing and smiling and ordering Jews to be round up! In fact no one can ever get Bored if they are with him, he can enjoy and not take life too seriously. If not for him then our Germany is way too boring.

Cool things to do:

Vote for me for best fascist dictator (dat Mussolini is a dummkumpf)
Volunteer for Wehrmacht
Snitch on Anne Frank
Block user and send him to forced labor camp on Eastern front

Groups:

National Socialist Party

Jews for Hitler

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Nazis

Ventriloquists for the Third Reich

Nazi Procrastinators (“Ah, we’ll kill the dirty Jews tomorrow”)


Buy:

Mein Kampf on DVD

WWII (the Fuhrer’s director’s cut)

Hitler’s Blog

April 20, 1939: Hey, today’s my birthday! Please bring me something nice and shiny, like the Sudetenland.

April 21:

Current mood: Wagnerian (Note: This should be conveyed with an emoticon, such as, say, a bust of Wagner or an image of Wotan.)

MAN OF HONOR!
YES THATS RIGHT! Hans, my most favorite SS officer, asked Ursula to marry him, i have been asked to be the man of honor! sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited! this means i get to plan and throw a kick ass batchelor party with All-U-Can-Eat vienerschnitzel, kegs a plenty and plotting the war against the dirty Reds!

April 22:

BUMMER!
Had to put Blondi to sleep. I found out she used to be owned by a Jewish family. Bormann said he got her at the animal shelter, but he is a lyer.

April 23:

Beer Pong tournament the 21st
Current mood: bouncy
Tommorow if U are playing in the National Socialist Beer Pong tournament, U need to be at 5201 Potsdamerplatz no later than 10pm. We will start playing at 1030, U will need to bring 5 deutschmarks and a 12 pack of Lowenbrau to play. If U do not bring those 2 things U will not be aloud to play, U will not even get to drink. We will also have Wop punch (as Mussolini calls it) available also for 5 dollers. If U have any other questions give me a call. Se U tommorow Night!!!!!!!!!

April 24:

BUMMER!
I lost big-time in the Beer Pong Tournament and at one point, the ReichChancellor was not me, but Fritzi Mueller, dat funny-looking guy who delivers the bratwurst to our Headquarters. Yes, I had bet my Fuhrership and lost to a short, funny-looking loser with a moustache! Thankfully, Herman G. convinzed Fritzi to give up being Fuhrer by taking him for a ride, especially since Fritzi’s one and only decree while in power was to put a bratwurst on the German flag. We are talking major dummkupf! Can U imagine if he was the real Fuhrer? Germany would be doomed.

May 10, 1940:

Current mood: accomplished
We rolled into France today and those frogz jes rolled over and practikaly begged us to liberate them from their stupid selves.
It’s celebration time, uh-huh! Tonight, at Reichsmusikkammer, it’s battle of the bands. Richard Strauss and His Straussafarians vs. Bert Kaempfert and His “Music to Heil By” Orchestra. The winner gets the Hitler Medal. The loser is sent to the Russian front.


April 30, 1945

The Bunker
Current mood: Bleek

It’s bad enuf that we are loosing the war and Berlin is in ruble, that my dream of a thousand-year Reich has gone down in flames and that I won’t get to see proud German tanks roll into New York…but when I asked Himmler “Am I fat?” he jes looked away and I knew that meant “Yes.”

*Adolf Hitler spent years evading taxes and owed German authorities 405,000 Reich marks – equivalent to $8 million today – by the time his tax debts were forgiven soon after he took power, claimed researcher Klaus-Dieter Dubon, a retired Bavarian notary and tax expert. (Reuters, December 17, 2004)

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