Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Whatever became of these commercial mascots?

Frito Bandito (Runs an international drug cartel with the Hamburglar)

Ronald McDonald (Troubled clown/kid-poisoning serial killer)

Energizer Bunny (Crank addict)

Mr. Clean (Gay man with OCD)

Spuds Mackenzie (Frat boy party animal turned indicted convicted Enron executive)

Marlboro Man (NRA member and leader of Aryan Nation)

Coppertone Girl (Porn star with “anal specialty” and melanoma victim)

Charley the Tuna (Relentless social climber, now “walker” of society matrons)

Snap, Crackle & Pop – The Rice Krispies (Embittered lounge act last spotted playing a seedy nightclub in Bangkok)

Tony the Tiger (Keeping a low profile; on endangered species list)

Old Spice Sailor (Original member of Village People)

Morris the Cat (Effete and bitchy food critic for Cat Fancy)

Aunt Jemima (Made civil rights history when she refused to sit in the front of the bus)

Michelin Man (Victim of Nazi experiment; carny freak; suing German government for reparations)

CinnaMon and Bad Apple – Apple Jacks cereal (Jamaican gigolo for rich white women and petty hoodlum, respectively)

Betty Crocker (High-strung housefrau and tranquilizer addict; in and out of Betty Ford more than Jerry)

The Burger King (Ousted in a “burger coup” by a rebel group from White Castle; now living in exile in Saudi Arabia)

The Hamburgler (Drug smuggler on FBI’s Most Wanted List, still at large)

Chef Boy-ar-dee (Mob-backed celebrity chef turned government snitch)

Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Mental patient)

Count Chocula (Diabetic vampire who must be careful not to suck the blood of hypoglycemics)

Helping Hand (Result of industrial accident; freak celebrity)

Punchy (Hawaiian Punch punch-drunk palooka; challenged Rocky Balboa to title bout despite suffering from post-concussion syndrome)

Lucky the Leprechaun (Elusive IRA gun-runner)

Quaker Oats Quaker (Peace activist snuffed by Cap‘n Crunch)

Samuel Adams (Hophead bootlegger)

Uncle Ben (Spends his days in guilt-ridden anguish over his creation of the nightmarish “Perverted Rice”)

Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” Lady (Converted vegetarian and radical member of PETA)

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